TOWIE Series 3, Episode 4: “I’m going to pelt them with eggs”

If there’s one word that sums up the latest episode of ITV’s ‘The Only Way Is Essex’, it’s ‘bitching’ … and we’re not talking about the girls! It seems those Essex lads are pros at a bit of behind-the-back-gossiping, and the claws were well and truly out last night! New BFF’s Mario and Kirk started […]

If there’s one word that sums up the latest episode of ITV’s ‘The Only Way Is Essex’, it’s ‘bitching’ … and we’re not talking about the girls!

It seems those Essex lads are pros at a bit of behind-the-back-gossiping, and the claws were well and truly out last night!

New BFF’s Mario and Kirk started the bitch-fest, when Kirk visited Mario at work. What does Lucy’s new hunk do? We hear you ask. Is he a boxer, perhaps? Well, it turns out that the beefed-up Essex boy is a tailor! Ok, we know it’s not that funny, but we couldn’t help having a bit of a giggle at the sight of ‘hard-man’ Mario working a sewing machine.

The pair gave Mark a good old fashioned slating – calling him a “dog” and laughing at his “pigeon-chest”. We’re not quite sure what that means, but it doesn’t sound like a compliment.

Meanwhile, the Sam-Joey storyline continues to limp on, as the ex-couple met for a drink to “clear the air”. They exchanged a few words, Sam had a little cry, they went their separate ways. Anyone else completely bored by this now? Sam and Joey were so last season!

To be fair, Sam doesn’t really have much else to talk about – she features in a pretty pointless clothes montage with Harry at one point in the episode – which serves no purpose other than we learn that Harry does not, in fact, want to be a trans-sexual. Dear god someone give the girl a storyline!

Maria and Mick take the next step in their (slightly disturbing) relationship, as they go on a first date, on which they talk about the government – very intellectual – and Maria spits wine all over the place – classy.

Poor Gemma isn’t happy when she hears that romance is afoot between the two, saying she’ll “pelt them with eggs” if they ever get married. That, we’d love to see!

In other news, Kirk and Joey play conkers – wearing outfits that suggest they think they’re a couple of characters from the Famous Five books, while Jess prepares to open her underwear shop.

The whole gang turn up to the launch night of Jess’s lingerie line -  involving lots of nearly naked models and even more inevitable drama.

Mark finds out what Mario’s been saying about him, and the pair exchange tense words – Mark actually comes out looking the better of the two, which is a first!

Credit is due to Lucy, too – who apologises to Lauren for her behaviour in the past. We never thought we’d see those two being civil to each other, but after a very sedate conversation it seems the air is cleared! Take note boys!

Oh, and hilarious moment of the episode goes to Nanny Pat – who shocks Mark when she starts unpacking adult ‘toys’ as she’s helping Jess set up her new shop. His expression is priceless! “Oh this one’s got batteries!” she grins. Go Nanny Pat!

So, now you’re up to date! Tune in to ITV on Sunday at 10pm for more brilliant Essex drama!

TOWIE Reem Boat Joey Essex signs a record deal!!?

TOWIE heart throb Joey Essex has signed a six-figure record deal and will be releasing his premiere single very soon. The track will be recorded and produced by 360 Records and will be called (drumroll) – Reem. Joey will be teaming up with super sexy girl band Miss Millionaire to make the hit, on which he will also be RAPPING! […]

Essex Legend

TOWIE heart throb Joey Essex has signed a six-figure record deal and will be releasing his premiere single very soon. The track will be recorded and produced by 360 Records and will be called (drumroll) – Reem. Joey will be teaming up with super sexy girl band Miss Millionaire to make the hit, on which he will also be RAPPING!

The aspiring Essex Eminem can be heard belting out such phrases as ‘I wanna look reem, smell reem, be reem’, and ‘No carbs before Marbs!’. A music source told the News Of The World “The TOWIE cast are all household names now especially among teenagers who buy music online. Joey could have a big hit on his hands” and Joey’s manager, Dave Read, stated: “We’ve produced a fun club track that Joey is very proud of”.

Joey is well known because of his appearance in ITV2′s hit BAFTA winning show The Only Way Is Essex and since then, his orange uggs, Reem catch  phrase and naive, often dopey innocence has endeared him to the nation. Basically, we love him!

This track, especially if it catches on, will cement him as a household name. Even if it is awful, many fans will buy it for it’s obvious tongue-in-cheek nature. I know I will definitely be buying it after release. Even more if there is a massive push to make it number one!

I also have my fears if it becomes a huge success, as it might open a huge floodgate of TOWIE related products. Could you imagine an Arg Fitness Video, a Mark Wright prose on the works of Shakespeare, a Mr. Darcy brand of sausage or even a  Nanny Pat line of swimming hats and hairnets (to be honest, I would probably buy one of those).

Whatever the case, I cannot wait for the new single by Mr.Essex and look forward to hearing it on a dance floor very very soon!